I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
