As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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