dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
