??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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