just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
