You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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