I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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