somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
