Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
