Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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