So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
