i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
