Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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