We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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