it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
