just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
