why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
