I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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