You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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