I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
