Your mouth is God's brothel.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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