so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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