i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
