Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize