Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
