he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We had to coat check the pizza.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
