I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
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