Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
