I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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