You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
