Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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