Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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