ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
we're chasing vodka with high fives
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
