There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
