Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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