Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
