If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
