I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
