Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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