Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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