I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
