the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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