You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
