You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Randomize
