I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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