I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
