hotel room ftw
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
