I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
