I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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