i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
