My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
