Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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