i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize