I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
