If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
