I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
