wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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