your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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