so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
